dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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