DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
