I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
