Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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