i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
