Already got asked if we're dating
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
