My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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