Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(585): View more from New York

there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF

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(936): View more from Texas

He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.

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(904): View more from Florida

Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit

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(703): View more from Virginia

FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.

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