Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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