I think I won the penis lottery.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
