I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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