I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
