Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
