o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Randomize
