I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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