there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
