Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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