I wish I could punch you in the face.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
