Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
