So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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