Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
