I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize