I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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