Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
