She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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