She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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