I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Did you just see the Batmobile???
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I would fuck him just for his dog
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
