are you still at the devil's house?
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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