I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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