I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
