i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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