so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
