I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
