First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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