I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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