Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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