hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
