Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
