Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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