Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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