good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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