I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
