Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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