One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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