Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
