I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
