Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just pee around me
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
