Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
