my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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