i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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