News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I would fuck him just for his dog
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
