turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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