So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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