how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
