this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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