I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
50% drunk capacity currently
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
