At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
