dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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