There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
