Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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