If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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