You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
